Friday, September 24, 2010

How Twilight Ruined My Life.... least my ability to ever date again.

I love to read.  I’ve been an avid reader since I was very young.  If you ask my mother, she will tell you I learned to read at age 2 ½.  I’m not entirely sure that’s true…but my dad’s faulty memory about the specifics of my childhood leaves him unable to corroborate or deny her claim.  I love books; all kinds of books.  Except self-help books….good grief!!  How can anyone get through those???  I mean, I’m sure I’d really like to know all the ways to be a really successful person or maximize my relationship potential.  It just turns out that I have a genetic disorder that makes me fall asleep after reading one page of a self-help book.  Maybe someone could write a self-help book about how to read self-help books…?   I need dialogue...lots and lots of dialogue.  In fact, my favorite books are ones that start out mid-conversation.  Could someone please write a self-help book that is composed entirely of dialogue?  I’d read that.
Anyway.  There have been a few times in my life when I have come across books that I just HAD to read more than once.  It hasn’t happened very often, but it has happened.  

And then….

I bought a movie called “Twilight.”

My Twilight Soundtrack piano music and a bracelet the Peanut got
The media made a big hype about this teenage vampire movie and showed all these clips of really pretty actors starring in said movie.  Well, I happen to like semi-supernatural books and movies so it caught my attention.  On an impulse at Target one day, I saw this “Twilight” movie on an end-cap in the movie section so I just grabbed it and tossed it in the cart.  That night, I watched it…and really liked it.  It was a great true love story.   SO….for Mother’s Day, my daughters asked me what I wanted and I said that I’d like the Twilight book.  I received that and the sequel, New Moon, as my gifts.  (For those of you who have been living in caves or under rocks the past few years, The Twilight Saga is a series of four books by a writer named Stephenie Meyer.)  

I must have started reading Twilight five or six times but never got past the first few pages because, well, I’m a single mom who, at the time, was also a full time college student.  Then, over a school break, I picked it up again and started over from the beginning.  I read the whole thing….in two days.  I immediately moved on to reading New Moon and devoured that one in like 36 hours.  A trip to Target to purchase the 3rd and 4th books occurred the moment I realized (1/2 way through New Moon) that I would not rest until I’d read them all.  

I barely slept, forgot to eat, would have forgotten to feed my children had they not been such persistent little boogers, and got exceedingly frustrated that I could not read AND drive at the same time for the three days it took me to read the last two books.

And wouldn’t you know… The MOMENT I finished the last book, I picked up the first one and started the process over again immediately.  Obsessive?  Most definitely.  Irrational?  Probably.  Do I care?  Not so much.  

It’s a fantastical story about two people who are designed by nature for each other.  There isn’t anything that could keep them apart…even when one of them tried to leave to protect the other one.  They were inexplicably drawn to each other by a force greater than anything they understood.  Each of them felt unworthy of the utter devotion the other felt towards them.  In the end, their love was a conquering force to be reckoned with.  And yes…there are vampires.  There are werewolves too.  (Okay, okay…to the Twi-hards, I know that last sentence was inaccurate but I don’t want to give spoilers in case someone decides to read them based on this post.)  If we’re going to get all technical…the books were written for “Young Adults” too…and I’m almost 33.  Again, ask me if I care.  I don’t.

So, now that you know my story of how I became a lover of all things Twilight, I can tell you how it ruined my life.  Well, maybe not my life per se… but definitely my ability to ever successfully date anyone ever again.  Ever.  I mean, if I can’t find someone that I’m intrinsically, serendipitously, uninhibitedly connected to at first sight, I might as well give up and go home.  Right?  *Sigh….*   Twilight showed me all that was lacking in my expectations of men.  I thought all you had to do was find someone moderately attractive, get along with them most of the time, and tolerate each other’s families.  Turns out, my expectations were WAY low.  So now, thanks to these books, I am doomed to a life alone until I find my own personal “Edward” who loves and adores me like I’m his personal “Bella”.  Crap.  I am so screwed.  I hardly believe for one second that such a fantasy man REALLY exists in life.  

It’s hard to explain how those four books changed my life.  I really don’t know how to accurately convey through words what it did to my heart.    In the mean time…I’ll just read all four books for the 11th time.  Yes, you read that right.  I’ve read them already 10 times.  All of them.  Like I said…obsessed?  Definitely.  Do I care?  Nope.  It’s currently the only romance in my life and I’m good with that…until my Edward comes along that is.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Covert Purging

So I was looking around the girls' playroom the other day and realized that it was beginning to look like a child's episode of "Hoarders".  There were bags and boxes of old toys, piles of small stuffed animals, and stacks of outgrown clothing and a path from the door to the extra fridge.  Far in the distance I could see the toys my kids actually wanted to play with....and they were completely unreachable.

Now that school has begun, it's just me and Goosie here during the day.  I was a "bad mommy" and plopped her in front of the television so I could start gutting the room.  Four yard bags full of priceless treasures my children will be devastated I threw out garbage, two bundles for recycling, and a couple of bottles of water cocktails later, I could see the carpet again and there was room to actually PLAY.

Of course, there may be questions later when one of the girls is searching desperately for "that one little pad of paper with Hello Kitty on the front" or the sheet of stickers they got from some random birthday party.  These questions will be answered with a shrug of my shoulders and a simple, yet non-incriminating "I really don't know...sorry, honey, guess you'll have to use one of the other 24 little pads of paper to write your notes that I will throw away after you fall asleep." 

Or maybe I shouldn't say that last part out loud.

Seriously, what is it with little girls and endless notes on tiny paper?  Is it just my kids who have that habit?  I'm sure we keep the "Tiny Pad Of Paper" people in business. 

And another thing... Polly Pocket shoes.  Seriously.  First, why do four year olds think they resemble chewing gum?  Second, well...Polly should have bigger feet so those things are easier to find in the carpet. 

While we're on the topic of annoying toys...anything with the word "moon" in the name is now banned from my house.  That stuff is just pure evil.

Back to the playroom purge....  I found boxes of papers that had been totally forgotten about.  You know it's been awhile since you really cleaned when you find things with a date on them from 2007. 

It can't be just me. Other houses have to have rooms like this one....right?  I mean, I can't be the only mom in the world to have a "junk room" as opposed to the more traditional "junk drawer"....right?  Other moms have kids who like to save every eraser top, every bouncy ball, every coin purse, every Happy Meal toy they've ever received........right?

Well, Peanut's bus will be here in about 30 minutes.  We shall see if she even notices that another two garbage bags of her priceless treasures crap she doesn't need/use/know she even has is missing.

Here's to covert purging!