Thursday, August 9, 2012

Moving On...and Out

Well, it's official....almost.  I'm buying a condo.  I close in 6 days and I have barely started to pack.  I've packed exactly three boxes.  Packing is bullshit.  Why would I take the time to neatly package all my stuff into boxes, tape them shut, label them with which room in the new house they belong in...only to drive them 20 minutes and unpack them to put everything away???  Stupid.

I'm feeling torn about moving.  My new place is so much smaller than where my kids and I have lived for the past 6's within MY means as opposed to my parents' means.  This will be a learning experience for us all.  I will have to do things I'm not used to being in charge of...and my kids will need to get rid of A LOT of their stuff.  On the flip side....this's mine.  I will own it.  I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. 

This will be a perk in many ways.....

The girls are going to miss living with Nana and Papa....I am not.  While it's nice to see my parents frequently, they are cramping my style now that I actually have a life.  It turns out, now that I'm in a relationship, that I'm living with a 17 year old's rules and restrictions even though I am going to be 35 in a couple months.  If I want to have a "sleepover".... that should be my call.  If I want to stay up late or entertain company...I should be able to without the not-so-discreet call from upstairs - "It's a little loud down there....".  The situation worked for a long time....but it's not working now.  I need this.  My kids need to know that I'm the reigning say-so in their lives.  There is no backup option for getting their way.

Next Thursday, I will write a very large check and become the owner of my own place for the first time in my life.  I've owned a home before....with my ex husband....that's different.  I went to buy kitchen stuff last weekend and it almost crippled me...I had nobody to call to say, "do you like this color?" or, "what do you think about these....?"  It was all up to me.  I failed the test and bought tan everything.  I have no idea what colors I like or what style is "mine"!!!!!  I need this to regain my lost identity.  Buying this home is the last piece in figuring out who I really am and what I want with my life.

Granted, having Boyfriend around is giving me all kinds of new direction and perspective about what I thought I wanted compared to what I now realize I actually want.... Having my own house will allow me the self-respect and self-esteem that only develops from true independence.

Here I go.......!  

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Waiting Game

I dislike waiting... Especially when I know what I want.  I'm working on accepting that instant gratification is not always the most "profitable" in life...but that doesn't really make waiting easier.

I found a house I am trying to buy but I won't know anything until the later part of the month.  That is so frustrating because living in limbo when you have two kids is tainted with a heavy dose of fear.  I really need to find a house before school starts so they don't have to change schools mid-year.  I'm also competing with people who buy and flip houses for a living and I'm just a regular mom with a regular job who wants a place to call home.

I found a guy I want to spend the rest of my life with...but it's a process.  Nobody wants to think about divorce.  I sure didn't.  What he's going through is not my fault...but people still look at me like it is.  His choice to get a divorce was heavily weighed and his child was taken into account but, people still think I had something to do with it.  I'm not that girl.  I didn't wreck his family.  It was already wrecked.  I came in after the fact and we were both taken by surprise at how we connected after all these years.  Unfortunately, the timing is a bit off... People very readily say, "You should wait to get into a relationship until after he's divorced."  Right.  Because, when two consenting adults feel like they fell into the most exactly right thing ever, waiting for a signed piece of paper is exactly what they want to do.  Yep...that's super easy.

Soul mates - do they exist?

I believe....after all that I've been through in the past few months...that they do.  I've been in lots of different relationships.  Some of them healthier than others...some of them clearly unhealthy...some of them just random and quirky.  None like this.  He and I weren't even like this 17 years ago when we were together.  This is something different...something I don't have words for.  Anyone who has read this blog knows I don't have issues with finding words to explain things.  I'm at a loss here.  I can't explain how I know...I just know.  He's it.  He's my "one".  There isn't a way for this to be more right or more of an exact match.

"Designed" is the best word I can think of.  We bring out the best in each other and temper the worst.  Isn't that what it's about?  Balancing out strengths and weaknesses to draw out the people we've always had the potential to be....

Someone said the other day - "If you're truly meant to be together, it won't matter when... Today, three months from now...or six... Even a year from now... If you two are right and your love is that strong and that true then you have the luxury of taking the time to do it the right way.  No sense in rushing."

That is comforting on one hand...and totally annoying on the other.  Refer to the first sentence of this post:  I DISLIKE WAITING.  I can easily ask that, if things are this right, why wait???  Why not get started with the greatness that will be the rest of what we've found??

I'm still working on that one....  Advice?  Thoughts?  Share them....please! 

Monday, May 7, 2012

Twice Upon A Lifetime

Well, it's been more than a little while since my last post.  Like...over a year.  Sorry.  My bad.

Where in the world do I even start???  Life has been....unexpected.  Here are the highlights and then we can move on to the fun stuff....

I got the most awesome job that is just right for me.  Step-dad is still plugging along with the whole terminal cancer thing but some days are harder than others...well....most days are hard but sometimes he gets up and does stuff like 9 holes of golf.  I'm crazy busy and I've lost like 46 pounds the good old fashioned way....stress and forgetting to eat.  Also, I'm buying a house...I think.  It depends...  I'm moving out of mom and Step-dad's house at any rate because it's time to be a regular, legit adult.

Okay stuff.  Oh is another "where to start?" moment.

So there's this guy.

Not just any guy.... A special guy.  Not just a special guy.... A guy I'm totally in love with and ridiculously compatible with on a freakishly fairytale level that makes me super nervous.

It gets better.

This is my high school sweetheart, people.

17 years later...we reconnected and it's been all kinds of easy bliss ever since.  Crap like this doesn't happen in real ever.  But it's happening.

Unfortunately, there's a glitch in the situation.  He's in the sort of beginning stages of a divorce that is not proving to be an open-and-shut thing.  Okay...I get it....BAD idea.  Truth is...don't care...doing it anyway....keep your negativity on the DL because I'm not interested.

When in life do we get handed exactly what we want/need/ever thought could be the best thing ever??? Not very often.  What's that old Alabama song???  "The best things seldom come along twice....."  Yeah...this did.  I'm all in with this.

And I'm loving it.

So, here's hoping life goes as "planned"....(I think I just heard God laugh.)