Here we go with an honest-to-goodness post about a major downside to being a single mom: Dating. I hate it. I mean, I really hate it. I hate thinking about it, I hate doing it, and I hate dealing with all the crap it drags in with it. Unfortunately, I came to a realization last Thursday that shoved the ugly reality of it right, square in my face.
A man hugged me.
A real, live man who is not related to me. A man I happen to find very attractive.
Here I was, innocently going about my life, thinking how awesome it is to be this strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man…and then I was embraced by one and that thin wall I’ve been using to hide that need behind came crumbling down. With one (probably totally platonic) hug from a guy, I was made acutely, almost painfully, aware of the fact that I DO need that in my life. His cheek pressed against my cheek while his arms were around me made my mental stability completely falter. I spent the rest of the night with a perma-grin on my face and wildly imagining eleventy billion different romantic scenarios that included the two of us...and more hugs...and other things.... Stupid hug.
It is, of course, terrible timing. I still don’t have a job, I live with my parents – one of whom is terminally ill, I have two small children to take care of, and I am not physically the Me I want to be yet. But, there it is. In bold letters. I need a man in my life. Maybe not so much need as want…but there it is.
Now I’m left wondering what to do with myself. I really can’t stand the idea of dating websites and putting myself out there again. There is a slight possibility that this man who hugged me could be interested in me too…but I’m not holding my breath for that one.
I think I’m mostly annoyed that I was able to suppress this need before and now it’s all I can think about. So, what do I do? I’m not sure I can just go back to ignoring the fact that I miss having a man to hold me…