Monday, December 6, 2010

Hugs Are Dangerous Things


Here we go with an honest-to-goodness post about a major downside to being a single mom: Dating.  I hate it.  I mean, I really hate it.  I hate thinking about it, I hate doing it, and I hate dealing with all the crap it drags in with it.  Unfortunately, I came to a realization last Thursday that shoved the ugly reality of it right, square in my face.  

A man hugged me.  

A real, live man who is not related to me.  A man I happen to find very attractive.

Here I was, innocently going about my life, thinking how awesome it is to be this strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man…and then I was embraced by one and that thin wall I’ve been using to hide that need behind came crumbling down.  With one (probably totally platonic) hug from a guy, I was made acutely, almost painfully, aware of the fact that I DO need that in my life.  His cheek pressed against my cheek while his arms were around me made my mental stability completely falter.  I spent the rest of the night with a perma-grin on my face and wildly imagining eleventy billion different romantic scenarios that included the two of us...and more hugs...and other things....  Stupid hug.

It is, of course, terrible timing.  I still don’t have a job, I live with my parents – one of whom is terminally ill, I have two small children to take care of, and I am not physically the Me I want to be yet.  But, there it is.  In bold letters.  I need a man in my life.  Maybe not so much need as want…but there it is.

Now I’m left wondering what to do with myself.  I really can’t stand the idea of dating websites and putting myself out there again.  There is a slight possibility that this man who hugged me could be interested in me too…but I’m not holding my breath for that one.

I think I’m mostly annoyed that I was able to suppress this need before and now it’s all I can think about.  So, what do I do?  I’m not sure I can just go back to ignoring the fact that I miss having a man to hold me…

5 comments:

  1. I can relate to this too. I think it is really hard to figure out WHEN it makes sense to really dive into a relationship.

    No man is an island, right?

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  2. We are at such similar places right now. I want to be on my own and feel independent - and my circumstances right now are so, so not ideal - but that hug would have done me in, too.

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  3. Thanks girls. Honestly, I'm so annoyed that the hug did what it did to me... I'm even more annoyed that I'm waiting tonight for him to call like he said he would...because I forced him to acknowledge that I'm interested in him. Dating SUCKS.

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  4. I'm not even single but if a hot guy hugged me I'd be all over the "what did it mean" and the fluttery exciting feelings too. Not like I'd cheat but we're all human, exciting fluttery feelings are exciting fluttery feelings! I hope you aren't beating yourself up over this still? From the following post I'm guessing he blew it? I'm sorry to see that! Eff him, his loss, and I so hope things turn around for you soon mama. With all my heart.

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  5. Thanks so much Lindsey,

    He hasn't totally blown it....yet. Long story for another day but for now we are getting to know each other as friends. Better than nothing, right? Those fluttery feelings are pretty darn great though.

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